Passionately Seeking

I've been thinking a lot about my interests, desires, and passions lately. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I have been asking God to reveal what my heart is passionate about. I really started wondering about that in the spring semester when I was reading Strong Women Soft Hearts. (Which, by the way, is a fantastic book.) I don't remember the exact question, but at some point in the book, it asked, "What are the dreams you once held that you let die? What are you passionate about?" I became really confused when I was unable to answer that question. After that I was just frustrated. I kept asking myself, "Why can't I think of anything that I absolutely love to do?" I pondered on the issue for some time, but as often happens, I soon became busy with school and kind of buried the question along the way. However, that question came up again this summer, and this time I was determined to work through it. 

First of all, I wanted to figure out why I couldn't find what I was passionate about. I thought about what I had done in the past year. Really, all I could think of was school, work, and ministry responsibilities. It sounds bad to say that I wasn't passionate about the role I was playing in the ministry, and don't get me wrong, I liked what I was doing. But I didn't feel like there was a force driving me, that it was something I was made for. Because of all these "responsibilities", I didn't really have time for anything else. A question my good friend Abi asked me last semester came to mind: "Bethany, what do you do that you love?" I had a hard time answering that question, too. For example, I like to play piano a bit, and I love to write. However, I had made myself so busy that I barely wrote all year, and I didn't touch my keyboard for months. 

I realized that in filling my life up with stuff, I had switched over to autopilot. Every day was the same: work, class, homework, church/Paradigm, and maybe some time for friends. Each day began to blur, and I started feeling restless.  Even when I was having fun or God was teaching me awesome things, I still had the sense that something was missing.

After I understood that I had just been coasting through life, I began to ask what I was passionate about. I'm still really working on that one, but God has been answering me. I was put in a situation recently where I was able to help a friend deal with some tough issues, partly just by listening, and I have seen her heart change and grow exponentially in just the last few months. It has been so rewarding to walk with her through everything. I was sitting with her when it hit me: "I love this. I feel so alive in this moment." Part of why I was happy to walk with her through things is because she is a friend and I love her and want to be there for her. But in that moment, I felt as if there was something more. I'm still exploring this with God, so we'll see where it takes me. But, I do already have some ideas for grad school... :) 

Finally, I've been seeing that God gives us passions and desires for a reason: to glorify Him. Last night, my friend Kim and I were talking about our passions. Kim, for example, has a HUGE heart for missions. It kills her to be in the States; she desperately wants to serve God all over the world. God has put that desire in her for a reason, and she has used that desire for its purpose: through mission trips, working with international students, and just the way she approaches people in general with love and boldness. Her passion glorifies God. God created us a certain way for a reason. He didn't give us passions, interests, and desires just to say, "OK, now go do something that you don't like and I didn't equip you for." That's not how God works. He equips us for certain tasks. Our challenge is to search out how he's equipped us and how He wants to use us. 

So, what am I passionate about? What makes me really feel alive? What was I made to do? Those are things I'm still searching out and asking God about. I'm excited about what He has revealed and what He's going to show me, so for now, I'm simply passionately seeking.