Conflict & Peace

Lately at Redeemer, we've been talking about conflict and how to resolve it. Like God often

 does, He is immediately putting what I've been learning to the test. Though I'm happy to 

report some success in conflict resolution, I must confess that I've just as often failed in 

that area (story of my life). In light of recent experiences, I've decided to look at conflict 

and what the Bible says about it. 

First, what is conflict? The Oxford English Dictionary (yes, I'm an English major) defines 

"conflict" as: a prolonged struggle and as the clashing or variance of opposed principles, 

statements, arguments, etc. As a verb, "to conflict"is defined as to contend, strive, or 

struggle with. Okay, that's a good starting place. So people have conflict when their ideas 

or actions differ. Based on the definitions, in order to be in conflict with someone, you must 

have some idea of their arguments and must be in prolonged contact with them; therefore, 

you have some kind of relationship with them. 

Inversely, if you are in any kind of relationship with someone, you will probably have 

conflict with them unless you agree on every single principle (how boring would that be?). 

An article on leadership at relevantmagazine.com makes the following statement: Conflict 

is a part of all relationships, and navigating the waters of conflict is much of the work 

leadership. Sometimes conflict is friendly and constructive and others times it is hostile 

and destructive. According to the author, any relationship will have conflict, but the 

conflict can look different in different situations. "Conflict" usually portrays a negative 

tone;however, this author is suggesting that conflict is sometimes a positive thing (and I 

agree). 

So, conflict is inevitable. We've established that. But how do we handle conflict? The way I see it, we have four options (and if you think that I'm not going to give you the best option until last, you would be correct). 

First, we can just try to avoid conflict altogether. We can simply refuse to see any issue and pretend it isn't there. This probably isn't the best option. First, you are lying to yourself if you believe that the conflict doesn't exist, or even if you believe that it will simply resolve itself. Second, if you avoid areas in your relationships that are conflicting, you will simply be removing entire areas of life from those relationships. Your relationships will never be as full as they could be. 

Second, we can do more than avoid conflict; we can run screaming and crying away from it. We can work so hard to avoid confrontation and awkwardness that we actually become people-pleasers, doing whatever it takes to make the other person happy enough that you don't have to approach them. All this option does is hide who you really are and what you really think. Though you may inwardly disagree with a person, you are willing to appear as if you outwardly agree just to make them happy. Therefore, you suppress your real opinions and your real self, and sometimes, the truth that you know God has revealed to you. I think this is also an issue of control. You want to control the situation and the reactions of the people around you, so you do everything in your power to make people happy enough that a discussion over the conflict is never necessary. You will end up with shallow and false relationships. 

The next option is also an issue of control. You can want so badly to be in control and prove your righteousness in the situation that you dive headfirst into conflict. You spend your time being defensive and explaining why you are right and the other person is wrong. In this option, you aren't scared of conflict; you thrive on it. You believe that conflict is healthy, but only when you "win". You say your piece without letting the other person say theirs. These are usually the kinds of situations when things get heated and you say things that you don't mean (trust me, I've had plenty of those). Then it gets really difficult to come back later and ask for forgiveness, for in trying to prove your own righteousness, you've actually wronged the other person. This is the kind of conflict that becomes hostile and destructive, like the Relevant author was referring to. If this is the way you always deal with conflict, you probably won't end up with many relationships. 

Finally, the best option (that I've found): Having an open dialogue in which each party is able to explain their feelings and thoughts. Through this discussion, each person agrees to be respectful and gracious. Listening is key in conflict resolution. James 1:19 says, "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." The tongue plays an important role as well. Later, in verse 26, James says, "If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion in worthless." Wow. Holding your tongue is huge. Though conflict is often necessary, and though we are called to speak the truth in love, we need to be sensitive to the Spirit and know when to keep our words from spilling over. Even if the other person has no desire to engage in this kind of conflict resolution, you can still treat them graciously and kindly. We have no need to get defensive about our own righteousness, for in reality, we have no righteousness of our own. Our righteousness is in Jesus, and He absolutely does not need us to defend him. This option isn't perfect. There are still good chances that you will get hurt. But I think that this kind of direct but gentle conflict better reflects the gospel than any other options or reactions you may have. 

And the final component? Forgiveness. We are all going to make mistakes. You will be wronged by someone whom you love. Any relationship is susceptible to conflict - friends, boss/employee, coworkers, spouses, parents/children, and any other you can think of. But that is where we are called to forgive. Jesus tells us to forgive seventy times seven --- even if that person isn't willing to forgive you. Colossians sums it up quite nicely:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.  

We are to bear with one another, no matter who is at fault. Jesus has forgiven us for all the 

times we have screwed up, so we should be willing to forgive our brothers and sisters in 

order to function together as one body. We must love each other, for love covers over a 

multitude of sins. 

The author of the article I mentioned earlier writes: "Forgiveness requires the bravery to

 risk and humility to recognize oneself as a wrong doer. In forgiveness we recognize the 

way things really are, complete with all the hurt, dysfunction, anger, and contempt, and 

we risk moving beyond current circumstances and not carrying the past into the future. At 

its core, forgiveness is the willingness to cancel a debt in order to open a door for the 

opportunity for restoration.." Well said. Along with forgiving others, we examine our own 

actions and need to be willing to ask forgiveness for the wrong we have done.  

No matter how much we know about the "right" ways to handle conflict, we won't get it 

right all the time. Unfortunately, this is something I have firsthand recent experience in. :) 

But even when we make a mistake, we have the opportunity to humble ourselves and ask 

for grace and forgiveness. Sure, it may be awkward, but awkwardness is part of life, and I 

think it's better to realize that now than to spend years trying to avoid it. Avoiding conflict 

does not bring peace; conflict in itself brings peace. Jesus willingly entered into conflict so 

that we could have peace; by being open to conflict and conversation with others, we are

 allowing God to work through our differences to bring a reconciliation that only He can 

provide. James says that a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make 

peace. We can't make true peace without entering into necessary conflicts. We can never 

deal with the true issues that cause discord if we run from the clash. 

These are just some thoughts and ramblings as I'm dealing with life in the moment. I hope 

they make sense and that the Word encourages and reveals to you the way it does to me. :)