Singles & the Church: A "Research" Project

Singleness can be a tricky topic for a single person like myself to discuss. There is always the fear that people will perceive your opinions as simply you whining or feeling sorry for yourself for not being in a relationship. However, I think it is a conversation that absolutely needs to be started. For that reason, I decided to conduct a “research project” about singles & their views of the church. If nothing else, please realize that these are real quotes from real singles in the church. This is what they would like to say to you. This is not an accusatory post; rather, it is attempting to be an honest and exploratory post.

For this project, I interviewed several singles of various ages from various churches by asking them 5-7 questions. I then drew my own general conclusions based on those responses. Find the conclusions below, complete with examples and quotes from these interviews.

*Please note that I acknowledge that this is not completely representative for every single person in every church. This particular project doesn’t even deal with single parents, divorced singles, or widows. All of these make up a huge part of our congregations across the world, but I simply didn’t have access to them. This project is mostly concerned with those singles who have never married and are to some degree part of a church. And being completely honest, it mostly deals with opinions of single women, again, simply because of lack of access - although there are a few male opinions included! Also, this is solely from a single point of view; I'm sure our married counterparts see things in us that we haven't even thought of or noticed.

Conclusion #1 - The church doesn’t get it completely wrong.  

Nearly everyone I talked with believed that the church loves singles and has the best of intentions. They even try to create events and programs for singles, and singles are not left out of most opportunities. Especially if the church is consistently preaching the gospel (which values singleness, shocker!), singles will have a place. Singles aren’t hating on the church; rather, they appreciate it and want to help inform it in the area of singleness in order to better reach out to others. These Christian singles want to be involved with local churches!

• “The church does not ignore singles.”
• “The church tries to the best of their ability to create ministries to cater to single individuals and to preach sermons on singlehood.”
• “A lot of churches tend to have some programs available to singles. That is often dependent on how many singles a church has; churches with a large amount of singles tend to do more for them.”
• “The church emphasizes the unique abilities to serve that singles have. It’s just a fact that singles have opportunities that their married counterparts often don’t, especially those with kids. Singles need to hear this, because it is important that they recognize the role they can play.”
• “I do want to say that I value being part of a congregation where I get to see healthy marriages and families, and the solution for singles’ struggles is not to isolate themselves amongst people that are only in their same stage of life so they can just sit around and commiserate how hard the 20s are together. There is value in a diverse body! But there has to be a balance.”
• “I feel like the church does well at encouraging us to seek God instead of a husband/wife. I don't feel like the church looks down on you for being single.”
• “I think that it's great when churches have women's and men's ministries that allow people of all ages to come together and grow.“
• “[The church gives] of resources for mission trips. Since singles and young adults are usually more free to participate in those things, the resources are going to equip them.”

Conclusion #2 - The church isn’t sure how to relate to singles.

The church is primarily made up of married couples and families. Naturally, their lives are much different from a single person’s. However, it seems that married people often simply “forget” how it feels to be single the minute they are married. Because of this, the church doesn’t usually know what to do with singles other than send them on a singles retreat, set them up with their one single friend they know, or ask them to baby-sit their kids.

• “I feel like sometimes the church just doesn’t know what to do with us.”
• “The more questions they ask about my singleness, the more upset that I get that I am single. I know the church wants what is best for its single population and they are by no means treating us like this on purpose. But sometimes it is like the church doesn’t really know what to do with its singles so it just tries to get them married off to other singles. And they are usually successful. But it is my experience that no one wants to be treated like someone who needs to be auctioned off to another so that we aren’t lonely or sad or make the church feel uncomfortable.”
• “While service is somethings singles should engage in, sometimes churches tend to only emphasize that service. Sure, singles can baby-sit your kids, but if that is your only interaction with them, then you are wrongly taking advantage of them. Singles need to be served, too.”
• “I have found that [singles] are either grouped with married people, college students, or the widowed elderly.”
• “I think the general attitude of validation because of marriage [status] is something that the church does poorly in relation to singles.”

Conclusion #3 - Singles often feel overlooked.

This is a tough one. It is hard to address this, especially with people who really do have good intentions, without making people feel guilty. But it is so key to understanding the struggles that single people have. Singles are not second-rate, and they don’t want to be made to feel that way. So invite them to dinner or coffee! Go see a movie with them! Invite them on an outing with your family! Even if they are the “third wheel”, I guarantee that invitation is better than sitting at home alone.

• “Because this issue only affects the minority of members, it's overlooked and often not talked about.”
• “Inclusion can be an issue, simply because it is harder/more awkward for a couple or family to do something with a single person than with another couple or family. Singles acknowledge that this is not easy. Most churches are great at including singles in church-wide events, but the farther away you get from church-sponsored events, the more isolated singles get. For example, I literally cannot remember the last time someone asked me to have dinner with them, though I hear every week of couples I am friends with going to eat with one another. I know this is not for a lack of care; I just think that it is so easy to overlook singles or for them to become an afterthought.”
• “I think young, single adults are left out for a few reasons. One, the leaders of the church are typically married couples; two, the majority of church members are married couples; and third, historically, getting married has just been what young people do (be it to save money, survive, obtain social status, or carry on your name and legacy). Therefore, I think the church does a poor job of meeting single people where they are at and encouraging growth as a single person (not growth that will prepare them for marriage or prepare them to be something they aren't).”
• “Singles often feel used. They are given ways to serve and even expected to be constantly available, but they often don’t feel like they aren’t included in a two-way community. They are pouring out but no one is pouring in.”
• “Because of my ability to volunteer or my agility (it's just me to reschedule, not a whole family), I tend to end up always serving and never consistently getting to know people. I know a lot of kids, but fewer parents….As a single it's easier not to be known.”
• “The attitude the church should have is inclusion of all, not exclusion of some. Singles ministries are great, but I don’t always want to be separated from the rest of the congregation just because I’m not married. When the single person is the minority, I feel like the answer is simple - don’t try to marry them off, but understand their vulnerability and frustrations, and treat them just like the church would treat any other person that walked through its doors. We aren’t a hopeless case, or people with diseases that need cures, we’re not lonely leeches that slither across the earth looking for mates; we are just people seeking God.”
• “I think, honestly, what we need most, is to be acknowledged. We exist. We aren't less. We aren't more. We are. We have a role. Singleness is both a gift (for some) and a calling (for everyone at some point in their life) and we shouldn't ignore it. We need to prepare people for it...it isn't for the weak. And find ways to actively take part in one another's lives. To make sure they are included in what is going on and not missed because they aren't a part of a couple. This requires an active choice because it goes against our tendencies...so we must talk about it.”
• “As a single, I am definitely aware of the decisions that are made without singles in mind or [considering] even the phrasing of things. I have definitely been a part of groups that are primarily couples and families because that is the vast majority of my church body. What is difficult is when things are posed in such a way that excludes singles from participating, [as if] they are somehow lacking in Godliness because they are lacking a life partner. For example, I was a part of a community group for a year and a half and when certain people addressed the group they would still use vocabulary such as "we as couples need to do X" or "we could get our families together in order to Y". In those situations i am painfully aware of my "aloneness".”
• “If you are married, don’t wait to hang out with your single friends until they too are married. If you do, you are really missing out on getting to know a wonderful person.”

Conclusion #4 - Singles desire intimacy.  

For singles, there is no “built-in” life partner that they share things with. There is no constant support and accountability. Singles have to work much harder to find intimate spaces to explore with others, but it is something they desire.

• “I feel like singles in the church are struggling the most with not being a part of intimate community. I think that there are some things that are built in to a Godly marriage that singles have a hard time finding, creating, or receiving from the Body, like the accountability that comes with a committed relationship and that person seeing you everyday. Singles need accountability, fellowship, and intimate encouraging relationships too, but it seems harder to navigate those in friendships because there is not the same level of commitment and freedom to be in each others business as you would ideally have in a marriage.”
• “Singles are time-poor...alone...and desiring a beautiful thing God has created us to desire: the intimacy of close fellowship; but we can't sacrifice God's call or standards just to find marriage, or the marriage will never be what it could be and worse yet we will never find the satisfaction that comes only in Christ. We also need to expand the married understanding of community. The community we as a church are to know should be close and pervasive and not relegated to when the married people aren't busy with married people things. That statement sounds bitter; it isn't, believe me. I know that marriages take time and effort to keep healthy. This is important but we are never called to be so self-focused that we don't have time for the body of Christ either.”

Conclusion #5 - Yes, singles are often just as confused or discouraged as you think they are.

Singles are often all over the place on the topic of their own singleness. (That’s why we need your patience & grace.) Even as we long to know God & understand that we are complete in him, we still get caught up in yearning for a spouse or doubting God’s faithfulness. We struggle between wanting to be with other singles and not wanting to be singled out.  We don’t pretend to have it all figured out. So THESE are the stereotypes that often have a base in reality.

• “I feel like sometimes (for myself at least) it gets very discouraging to see others getting engaged/married and knowing that I have been praying for that for a long time and not seeing a relationship like that in my life.”
• “This [topic] is very personal to me, because I have struggled with my “singlehood” this past year as people my age are getting married or purposely having children while I am still trying to decide if I want the name-brand or off-brand Mac N’ Cheese for dinner.So many people struggle with who they are. I have been there, and am in fact still learning about my identity.”
• “They just don’t understand that I WANT to get married, but by golly, I am not God and I cannot make a man ask me out.”
• “Overall the older I get the more pressure I feel to get married. I want to get married, I really do. I have a real desire to have a wife, to be a husband and hopefully one day a dad. But the last thing I want to do is end up a statistic. I don't want to rush into something and realize I've made a mistake...a mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't want to just be a husband or father...I want to be the best husband and father I can be. So for now I am spending time building my foundation. One day, when God says I'm ready, I will open the doors of my house and invite in my best friend and ask her to spend the rest of her life with me in the shelter God and I spent a long time working on.”
• “I think we tend to be overly focused on finding a mate and church becomes a meat market or bitterness grows over God not giving us what we thought we deserve.”
• “I think that singles in the church feel like their options are highly limited and sometimes feel like outcasts.”
• “While you might be excited about what couples have to share and how God is growing them together, there honestly have to be singles, myself included, that are wanting to say ‘barf’ because they want that and for whatever reason God's got a different plan for them and where they are at.”

Conclusion #6 - Singles don’t think that their singleness is simply a “period of waiting” until they meet the requirement of marriage, and they don’t want you to treat it like that, either.

Many of the singles I spoke with are frustrated that the world seems to hold a higher opinion of singleness than the church does. I believe this is absolutely unbiblical! Singles are not just in a time of waiting. What happens to the single that is being told over and over to wait patiently when God may in fact desire for that person to remain single for his lifetime? If singleness is a period of waiting, that means that person is somehow not complete or fulfilled. As I once heard a pastor say in the one of the best sermon over singleness that I have ever heard, “Jesus was the absolute most complete, fulfilled human being that ever walked this earth, and he was single!” (paraphase). Marriage is not a requirement or even always preferable in the kingdom of God!

• “As a single woman, I want to learn about how to grow in my relationship with God as a single, NOT about a marriage I may not ever have, sex I may never experience, or how to wait on a man that may never come.”
• “I've noticed that the subject of singleness hardly ever gets discussed in the corporate worship setting. Yes, there are programs and classes that can be good, but I have yet to hear a (well-done) sermon on singlehood. It either becomes a sermon on simply "waiting" for your spouse or on how content you should be because "God chose you to be like Paul AKA forever alone" and hardly any of them ever make me feel good upon leaving. More often than not, the intention is good, but it comes off as insensitive, and it really doesn't have to be that way. Singleness isn't a disease you just one day get over because you get married, just like it isn't some kind of curse when God chooses to "bless" you with it.”
• “It is hard to watch what seems like everyone around you getting married when you feel like singleness isn’t just as valuable. Singleness often isn't considered a gift, but instead makes us question what is wrong with us, and the church hasn't done much to help with that.”
• “In the world, it is more okay for singles to work on a career, travel, or do what they want before marriage. Independence is more desired. However, the church glorifies marriage and family and not doing things alone. To an extent, this is good, as long as it doesn’t fall into the attitude of “marriage is a blessing and singleness is a waiting game.” If you’re 32 in the church & single, expect to get some, “What’s wrong with her” looks from the married congregation.”
• “Stop telling me to take advantage of my single years! I want to take advantage of all my years! And I think God is down with that plan.”
• “While the world often praises singleness for the wrong reasons (no accountability, no responsibilities, sexual freedom, etc.), the world doesn’t look at singles as if there is something wrong with them if they are not married at age 26. The ratio of married couples to singles is much higher in the church, so there is often the attitude that singles aren’t complete, that they have some flaw preventing them from being married, or that they are in a period of waiting.”
• “Basically everyone always asks me why I don't have a girlfriend and then proceeds to give me tips and ideas on where or how to find one.”

Conclusion #7 - Singles want to talk about singleness.

For reasons I have already mentioned (along with many others), singles are often hesitant to broach this subject. But they want to talk about it! Chances are, they have struggles they are walking through, or they have ideas on ways the church can help (hence this blog post). Maybe they just want to talk to someone because at the end of the day they go home alone. Whatever the case, married people - please be willing to talk about this subject, even though it may not be an “issue” for your life anymore. Please don’t make the single person feel like you had it all figured out at age 21, so you’re not sure why they are still confused at age 29. Let them speak, gently correct them when they swing toward bitterness, frustration, or disappointment (because they will), and walk with them through the gospel.

• “So many singles struggle with their identity. Singles have been hurt in past relationships, by words of friends and family, or even by the church. So many voices around singles are telling them that they are not enough, that they need someone in addition to Jesus. But we don’t. We don’t need a single thing besides our Lord. We need to be reminded of that.”
• “We need to discuss singleness apart from marriage...we must be careful not to treat singles as simply those who haven't found a spouse yet. While that may be true,the focus of life is pursuing Christ, not marriage.”
• “I don't find it easy to talk to people about being single.”
• “I think singles struggle with having authentic conversations about their singleness. Too often, when the topic of singleness comes up, married people have the attitude that singles are just idolizing marriage or are feeling sorry for themselves. Married people often simply don’t want to talk about singleness because it’s not an issue they have to deal with. Sure, singles have contributed to this attitude; after all, we’ve all had moments we were bitter and made sure everyone knew it. But married people have to be willing to look past that & have a real conversation about the issue. I am in contact with a few members of church leadership who have literally rolled their eyes at me when I brought up the topic of singlehood. That behavior causes singles to be reluctant about approaching the topic, so we don’t get to actually discuss what we are feeling.”
• “I should say that I LOVE families. I think God loves families. I think God loves singles, too. I don't think that God loves families more than singles. I believe we should celebrate mothers in May, fathers in June, children when they are born, weddings when they occur. I think every church should talk about marriage at some point during the year. And we should also address singleness. Every year…I think we need to address this issue because there is a culture all around us that tells us if you aren't in love or loved romantically by someone you are flawed, or doing something wrong.”
• “I'll tell anyone that will listen that I'm single.  I don't really mind.  I'm sure that it will become harder as I get older though.  I think that the church could help in making sure that everyone knows that being single isn't something to be embarrassed about.  We're not damaged goods.”
• “You get to discuss your marriage with your spouse, so please let us have someone to discuss our singleness with, even if you don’t understand it. You don’t have to relate on all levels; just listen.”

Conclusion #8 - Singles CAN lead. And should. And want to.

This is pretty self-explanatory. If singles can be expected to serve, they should be allowed to lead in areas they are called to. Overall, a married person isn’t automatically more qualified for a position because he/she is married, just as a married person hasn’t necessarily attained a level of maturity or godliness that a single person lacks.

• “In the world, singleness is not a hindrance to leadership positions, and in fact can be a benefit. In the church, however, singleness is often an obstacle to any kind of leadership, especially paid positions.”
• “Often if the church staff is made up of married people, the programs tend to be catered toward children and families, without much emphasis on those in the years between youth and marriage/family. However, if there are more singles represented on staff & in leadership, they tend to be more sensitive to meeting the needs of singles.”
• “Part of my gifting is teaching and leading but there is no avenue for a single person in my local body to use those gifts within the constructs that are already in place. This also means I have to be more proactive to make a way and to also serve in the areas that are available.”
• “I think involving singles in the decision making process and in leadership roles could help bring a balance to the church vision.”
• “Singles struggle with finding a place to plug into the ministry aspect of church, finding a community to plug into that understands their needs and knows how to encourage them, understanding their gifts and how best to use them, and feeling adequate and appreciated in their singleness.”

Conclusion #9 - The church can help!

Singles in the church love the church and want to be a part of it. And they have ideas about how the church can help! My advice on this topic is to ASK your singles how you are doing and really listen to what they say. Try to implement some of their ideas! Here are some practical ones.

• “I think the most helpful thing the church can do is to quit making so many divisions among two groups. Yes, I think that marriage and singlehood are two completely separate things (obviously), but one of the goals of the church is to teach and encourage people to serve, and that doesn't require you to be single or married. So, instead of making it a "couples/singles only" event, make it an event for all the adults. Or better yet, invite the kids and let them see what it looks like to serve the church from the adults in the church. This allows singles not to feel inferior to the married couples, and gives them a moment to show the younger kids what it looks like to serve if you don't have a counterpart.”
• “Affirm your singles and their unique gifts and abilities! This will allow them to serve and lead in their freedom.”
• “Encourage them in their stage of life. Allow them to lead and use their strengths now (if maturity is there). Invite them to dinner or anything! Hold them accountable. You may be the only people they have to speak into their lives, so deepen the relationship and speak truth to them. Stop talking about how you could never understand X until you were married, had kids, have feared for your child, etc. God teaches people different things in different ways and I don't think that the only way to be less selfish is to be married. I think selfishness, pride and arrogance are sins and that even if I never get married, my God is big enough to refine those things out of me in time.”
• “Singles need to be celebrated! I recently read an article that pointed out the amount of showers/parties that married couples get for engagement, marriage, babies, housewarming, and even job promotions and birthdays. All of these are much-deserved. But when is the last time a single person was celebrated? It’s not fair to make the single wait until marriage to get these things when in fact God may be calling that person to an entire life of singlehood. The church can really encourage singles by asking about what is going on in their lives and making it a point to celebrate with them.”
• “Value singleness as marriage is valued. I recognize that this is easier said than done in a culture that holds marriage high, but singles will recognize if you are trying.”
• “We can use encouragement and prayer. Having someone to tell you that you are loved and knowing that someone is praying for you and your future spouse would make a huge difference.”
• “I think we need to encourage those who are single to not waste their singleness (and the freedom/agility with which they can pursue Christ and his calling as He leads).”
• “My dad's church just started a singles ministry and I know this doesn't work for all leaders, but the leaders are making a constant effort to have lunch with their singles class. So they are developing a discipleship relationship and meeting with them so often.”
• “We desire community that isn't just Sundays. Maybe we have a game night or something of that sort during the week. I think what I want is a group of people going through similar things that I'm able to grow in Christ with and have as my friends I can rely on/ share life with open and honestly.”

In conclusion (if you’ve made it this far!), no two singles are the same. They don’t have the same opinions, attitudes, experiences, or issues. However, there are some general feelings that seem to come up time and time again. This project has challenged me as a single in the way I view singlehood, service, leadership, language, and even myself. This project is not intended to be a solution; rather, it is intended to begin to open the door for some honest conversations.

Please feel free to post opinions.