Forgiving God
God showed me a glimpse of my heart yesterday, and I wasn't too fond of what I saw.
It had been a bit of a rough morning, so I was journaling and praying about it. (And to be honest, probably whining a bit, too.)
I felt as if I was stuck in a place of limbo -- God wasn't fulfilling a specific desire, but He wasn't taking it away either. I was begging God to show me His purpose, to let me know what exactly it was that He was wanting me to learn in this situation, when the next words out of my mouth stunned me into silence :
"You already took a big part of my life away. What more do you want from me?"
As I uttered those words, I sat frozen and in shock. For the first time in a while, I realized that I was still upset with God; more than that, I was indignant and downright angry.
I felt wronged by what God had taken out of my life. It was mine, after all. Right? Hadn't I been good enough? If He was just going to take it away, why did He even give it in the first place? Okay, so maybe I had messed up before, but since He took it away, I had been doing good and trying really hard. I had straightened up, tried to focus on Him more. Hadn't I paid my dues? When was this going to let up?
Essentially, I felt that God owed me. I was doing the things He asked; when was I going to get what I wanted? I was ignoring all of the good things I knew He had done in my life. I was ignoring what a friend told me once, "God is good, but that doesn't mean we never have to go through hard things. Sometimes He has to put us through hard things to give us what is best for us." I was being short-sighted, only focused on the here and now. I had a skewed image of God, one that painted Him as an Indian-giver, one that showed Him as stingy with blessings. I was ignoring the cross and the gospel, not seeing the incredible amounts of mercy and grace He had already given me.
I realized I needed to forgive God.
Now, before you get all worked up, when I say "forgive God", I don't mean that He's done anything wrong. I mean that I needed to let go of what I was holding on to, to truly believe and trust that everything He is doing is good and right. To "forgive Him" for caring about me and loving me enough to put me through things that reveal His faithfulness and goodness. To "forgive Him" for giving me chance after chance when I didn't deserve a chance in the first place.
It's only been a day since my world was rocked by the unveiling of what I had kept hidden in my heart for months. Obviously, I haven't worked everything out. I don't know all the answers, and I don't know exactly which step to take. What I do know is that the realization that God knows my heart and has been waiting for me to see it and bring it to Him brought me to my knees.
Father,
I don't want to limit You to working in a certain way or time that looks right to me.
I don't want to only trust You when things look like I think they should.
I don't want the mindset of, "If I can only get it right and be good enough, I'll get what I want."
I want to believe in Your goodness, even when I don't get what I want.
I want to have faith in the in-between times, in the times that I can't see Your bigger purpose.
I want to trust that You have better plans than me.
I want to pursue You for You, not for Your stuff.
I want to desire You above all, to say whole-heartedly that You are more than enough.
It had been a bit of a rough morning, so I was journaling and praying about it. (And to be honest, probably whining a bit, too.)
I felt as if I was stuck in a place of limbo -- God wasn't fulfilling a specific desire, but He wasn't taking it away either. I was begging God to show me His purpose, to let me know what exactly it was that He was wanting me to learn in this situation, when the next words out of my mouth stunned me into silence :
"You already took a big part of my life away. What more do you want from me?"
As I uttered those words, I sat frozen and in shock. For the first time in a while, I realized that I was still upset with God; more than that, I was indignant and downright angry.
I felt wronged by what God had taken out of my life. It was mine, after all. Right? Hadn't I been good enough? If He was just going to take it away, why did He even give it in the first place? Okay, so maybe I had messed up before, but since He took it away, I had been doing good and trying really hard. I had straightened up, tried to focus on Him more. Hadn't I paid my dues? When was this going to let up?
Essentially, I felt that God owed me. I was doing the things He asked; when was I going to get what I wanted? I was ignoring all of the good things I knew He had done in my life. I was ignoring what a friend told me once, "God is good, but that doesn't mean we never have to go through hard things. Sometimes He has to put us through hard things to give us what is best for us." I was being short-sighted, only focused on the here and now. I had a skewed image of God, one that painted Him as an Indian-giver, one that showed Him as stingy with blessings. I was ignoring the cross and the gospel, not seeing the incredible amounts of mercy and grace He had already given me.
I realized I needed to forgive God.
Now, before you get all worked up, when I say "forgive God", I don't mean that He's done anything wrong. I mean that I needed to let go of what I was holding on to, to truly believe and trust that everything He is doing is good and right. To "forgive Him" for caring about me and loving me enough to put me through things that reveal His faithfulness and goodness. To "forgive Him" for giving me chance after chance when I didn't deserve a chance in the first place.
It's only been a day since my world was rocked by the unveiling of what I had kept hidden in my heart for months. Obviously, I haven't worked everything out. I don't know all the answers, and I don't know exactly which step to take. What I do know is that the realization that God knows my heart and has been waiting for me to see it and bring it to Him brought me to my knees.
Father,
I don't want to limit You to working in a certain way or time that looks right to me.
I don't want to only trust You when things look like I think they should.
I don't want the mindset of, "If I can only get it right and be good enough, I'll get what I want."
I want to believe in Your goodness, even when I don't get what I want.
I want to have faith in the in-between times, in the times that I can't see Your bigger purpose.
I want to trust that You have better plans than me.
I want to pursue You for You, not for Your stuff.
I want to desire You above all, to say whole-heartedly that You are more than enough.
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